Faith vs. Fear and Worry

This beautiful girl went to a party last Friday night with her friends.

Jared and I were going to be going to Salt Lake for our date after we dropped her off.  I knew the friends she would be with, she had her cell phone with her and I trust her completely.  Still I felt compelled to be sure she had a way out if she should need it.  Thus, I made a quick call to my sister to see if she would be available should the need arise.

I was struck by the sadness of this situation.  How unfortunate it is that we live in a world where my 14 year old daughter can't go hang out with her friends without the worries of the world encroaching.  Then I remembered something I heard Elder Holland once say, "The future of this world has long been declared; the final outcome between good and evil is already known.  There is absolutely no question as to who wins because the victory has already been posted on the scoreboard.  The only really strange thing in all of this is that we are still down here on the field trying to decide which teams jersey we want to wear."  I think that was meant to inspire faith in all of us.  I know Elder Holland's statement to be true.  Still, I wonder, and ponder and let's be honest, I'm a mom, I worry.  What if she doesn't choose the right jersey?

Which brings me to the thoughts that have been consuming me for the past few days.  Jared and I have been reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma, specifically chapter 32.  I know about faith and the tiny seed and things I can do to help my faith continue to grow.  I know that good things and "light" things will help my seed of faith continue to grow strong.  I also know that fear is the opposite of faith.

Knowing these things led me to wonder.  Is worry the same as fear?  If I worry about my children, do I lack faith in Heavenly Father's promises to me?   At what point is my worry going too far?  When my children were all smaller my worries involved things like choking on something or getting lost at the store or whether or not they were sick enough to take to the doctor.  Now, I'm moving into a new realm.  I have older children.  They leave me everyday to go to school and other activities.  I can no longer control all of the things of this world that influence them.  On top of it all, these children have the nerve to come with their own personalities and distinct opinions, none of which are like their siblings!  :)

I know without a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father loves me, Jared and our children.  I know that He only wants what is best for all of us.  I also know that when we met in the grand council in heaven that nothing was more important to Heavenly Father for His children than for us all to have agency.  It was so important to him that we have this agency that He was willing to lose 1/3 of his children for it.  As a mother, I can think of nothing more heartbreaking than losing a child, but to lose 1/3 of them is unfathomable.  I realize I have no idea the scope of Heavenly Father's sacrifice, but I know I would be forever changed and would lose a part of myself if I lost a child.

Still, with this agency comes the awesome blessing and, quite frankly, responsibility of choice.  We believe that age 8 a child is accountable for their choices.  I try to teach my children that they are able to make all the choices they want, but they can't choose their consequences.  Therefore, it's so important to make good choices so that your consequences are equally good.  Someone in the General Primary Presidency said once that if we don't teach our children to follow Christ the world will teach them not to.  I don't know about you, but I don't want the world determining what my children know.

So, we teach them.  We provide opportunities for them to see the good in the world and we shelter them from the bad as much as possible.  We have rules and guidelines and we expect them to be followed.  According to some people that we know, we are "mean" parents.  That's okay, I'm secure with being a "mean" parent.  I hope that means I'm doing my job.  But, it's still no guarantee that it will be enough, right?  So, that's where my worry and fear comes in.

When Abby went to her first day of 7th grade she was terrified.  Our school lets the 7th graders go on the first day alone to get the layout and the schedule all figured out before the other kids are there.  So, on her first day as I pulled up to the school she looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm really scared.  Will you say a prayer with me?"  I was already worried (shocking, I know) about her anyway and this request about pushed me to take her home and tell her she never had to go to that yucky junior high.  Somehow I was able to say a prayer with her and she got out of the car and walked in.  I watched her walk in while I cried in my car wishing so much that I could hold her hand as she went through the two hour day she had ahead of her.  I cried the whole way home.  I think I called Jared at work at least three times in two hours asking him if he thought she was okay.  I might have cried off and on for two hours as well though I'll neither confirm or deny that fact.  I remember wondering if Heavenly Father felt similarly when watching his children go through difficult times.  

I spend a lot of my time hoping that my kids are learning anything when we read scriptures, that they're not asleep during family prayer, that they know deep down that we love them and that their Heavenly Father loves them.  I pray when I drop them off at school each morning that they'll remember who they are and that they'll stand up for what is right and good, even if they have to do it quietly, all by themselves.  I pray they'll find success and feel good about their accomplishments and be kind to themselves through their failures.  I pray that Heavenly Father will watch over them and protect them.  I pray that Jared and I will be able to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost and be able to be watchmen on the tower to protect them and teach them what is right.  And in the end, I pray that it will have been enough.  I pray that they will have a desire to have a personal relationship with their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

In the end, I know it will be up to my kidlets which path they choose.  I will always love them, no matter what they choose.  However, I know they will be happier if they choose the right.  That's where my faith comes in.  I will do everything within my power to teach them while they are with me.  Then, I'm going to trust Heavenly Father to take care of the rest.  Will I ever stop worrying about them?  Probably not, I think that's just part of being the mom.

My Happily Ever After

When I was a little girl I used to love fairy tales.  The handsome prince would sweep in and save the princess from a fate worse than death and then they would live happily ever after.  It seemed so dreamy and truthfully I secretly wished for a handsome prince to wisk me away to my fairy tale life where we would live happily ever after.

Years later I found my prince and he did sweep me off my feet.  We were married for time and all eternity in the LDS temple and I felt certain that it was the beginning of my "happily ever after" fairy tale.

Before I proceed, please know that I am deeply in love with my husband, Jared. My life would be incomplete without him.  He is all I dreamed of in a husband and I couldn't ask for a better companion for myself or father for my children.  Still, over time, I'm sorry to say, I came to hate the phrase, "happily ever after".  You see, I didn't feel like my life defined "happily ever after". 

I'm not sure what I was thinking, but I always imagined that when I had children we would spend our days in blissful playtime.  I would always have a fresh batch of cookies available, we would spend afternoons at the park, go to story time at the library, and never would a cross word escape my mouth.  The children would be incredibly kind to one another and, in short, things would always be blissful.  On top of having my perfect children, I would also have a perfect husband.  After all, I was going to be the perfect wife and mother, the perfect husband was absolutely a no brainer.  Looking back, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking!!!!

The fact is, life was hard.  Like so many others, we had small children, we struggled financially, there was laundry to do, a house to keep clean and seemingly endless meals to prepare.  There were nights with no sleep, days with constant crying and whining, (and not just the kid's crying and whining) and plenty of times when we wondered if we would have the money we needed to survive.  We weren't so different from others, but I felt like it was so hard! 

In fairness, there was plenty of happiness, it seems that I just dwelt on all of the hard things that went with motherhood and wifehood.  (Is wifehood even a word?)  Sadly, I spent a lot of time being unhappy and overwhelmed.  It seemed that "happily ever after" was indeed a fairy tale and something that I would never experience.

I'm not sure when I realized how much of my time was spent in disillusionment.  I do know that when I came to this realization I was surprised.  Ultimately, I had all I ever wanted.  I had a great husband and great kids, yet I spent so much of my time being unhappy with that which I had always wanted. 

I decided then and there to do some serious soul searching.  I realized that being a mom is, by far, the hardest thing I do.  Nothing is more demanding of me mentally, physically and emotionally. With that said, there is also nothing I do that's more cool than being a mom and a wife.  I discovered that life wasn't what I thought it would be, but it was still amazing.  My attitude changed and thus my definition of "happily ever after" changed as well. 

Now, I'm not going to tell you that I've discovered that everything about motherhood is roses and rainbows,  I don't think anybody sane would say that!  I still have sleepless nights, though now I'm up worrying about the choices my kids will make instead of walking crying babies.    There are still days filled with a certain seven year old whining, the laundry is still there, the house is still in need of cleaning and everyone still thinks that they need to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Truthfully, there's almost never a fresh batch of cookies, (or any cookies for that matter) my kids are either too cool for the park or don't want to go and they've gotten too big for story time at the library. 

My kids are older now, maybe that has helped to change my perspective some.  However, I've learned that part of "happily ever after" is learning to enjoy the journey, even on the days that the journey stinks.  I've also learned to enjoy my children for who they are.  They don't need to be just like me, they don't need to be anybody but themselves. 

It turns out that my life isn't perfect.  Nope, there's no perfect mom, no perfect dad and no perfect kids at this house, and I'm okay with it.    I'm glad I finally figured out that this is my  "happily ever after." 

Our Week In A Nutshell

This week has been so busy with fabulous things!  I can't wait to get all of it down.

Monday I was able to have lunch with some friends and roommates from my college days.  Let's just say that 1997-1998 were some pretty epic years with these awesome ladies.  We haven't seen each other in years, but we had such a great time catching up and chatting at lunch.  We've stayed in touch over the years a little bit, but it's never the same as actually seeing people with your very own eyes.  It was so fun to see everyone.  Liz, I hope we can see you next year!

Tuesday was the first day of school for everyone.  I love the first day of school because it's fun to see all the excitement in the kids.  I hate the first day of school because I'm always sad to see them getting bigger.

Jenna is a 9th grader.

 Abby is a 7th grader.

Ethan is a 4th grader.  And no, I'm not torturing him even though he looks like I am.

Sadie is a 2nd grader.

See what I mean?  They're all getting bigger and I can't do anything about it.  So sad!!!!  I did love this moment with Ethan on the playground on Tuesday morning though.  He ran ahead of us to see his friends and start playing on the playground.  When we caught up to him he was nice and smiled for this cute picture.

He made my day when he jumped down to give me a quick kiss and tell me that he loved me.  Best son ever!!! 

Thursday Jared turned in his final assignment for his Master's degree.  It has taken every night for the past two years of his life and ours.  The kids, and by kids I mean Abby, decided that since he couldn't go to Minnesota for graduation that she would have a graduation ceremony for him at home.  She rounded up an old graduation cap and gown, neither of which fit, and she found Pomp and Circumstance on You Tube and busted out a good old graduation ceremony for him.  It was very adorable and very thoughtful of her.  We are all so proud of his awesome accomplishment.  It has taken a lot of work and focus on his part.  He is an amazing man.  Congratulations, Jared, I love you everyday!

Last, but certainly not least is Sadie's adventure for the week.  Friday afternoon she decided that she was going to be a big girl and do some eyebrow plucking.   She got Jenna's tweezers out and disappeared into the bathroom where she promptly took a huge chunk out of her eyebrow.  Then she returned the tweezers where they belonged.  Ethan saw her and exclaimed, "Sadie!  What happened to your eyebrow?"  To which she said, "Shhh, Ethan!  I don't want mom to know."  Right, because even if I hadn't heard the conversation I would never notice this!

That's right folks, there's a huge bald spot front and center of her eyebrow!!!  I was able to keep a straight face while we talked about staying a little girl for a while longer.  I also suggested that next time she wanted to pretend to be a big girl to come talk to me and I would help her do it in a less painful way.  You see, she admitted that it hurt "really bad", but she thought that was just the price of tweezing.  Nonetheless, Jared and I have had a great laugh over this one. 

Happy Birthday To My Baby!

Sadie turned 7 on August 4.  Yes, I know that it is now August 15, but hey, better late than never.

Seven years ago I gave birth to this adorable little bundle.

We were totally smitten the moment we laid eyes on her.  This picture was taken when she was about 24 hours old.  And yes, she had those totally kissable cheeks from the beginning.  We knew she would be our last and I would guess that was one of the reasons we enjoyed her so much.  She was by far the most cuddly baby we had.  She would snuggle with me for hours.  Jared's job offered paid paternity leave so Jared was able to be home with us the first week of her life.  The kids were home from school so we spent the week drooling over her every little move.  She was definitely adored by one and all.

Fast forward seven years and this little munchkin now looks like this.

We're still smitten with her.  She's the sweetest and sassiest seven year old we know.  I'm convinced that Heavenly Father sent her last to keep us on our toes and to help us keep a sense of humor.  There's never a day that she doesn't make us laugh about something. 

Sadie's first word was "shoes".  That should give you huge insight to this child's personality.  She loves shoes in every shape and size.  Every single time we go to a store with shoes I will find her in the women's section sporting the highest heels she can find.  So, it should come as no surprise that she requested high heel cupcakes instead of a big birthday cake this year.

We decided a few weeks prior to her birthday to have a last summer getaway.  We spent a long weekend in Las Vegas visiting Aunt Carol.  We had a fabulous time and, as always, she was an awesome hostess.  Sadie loves Carol so Sadie was quick to inform us that going to Las Vegas on the same weekend as her birthday because, "Of course Aunt Carol would want to be with me on my birthday."  Clearly there are no self esteem issues with this kid.

Besides these cupcakes she really wanted an American Girl doll.  The bigger girls each have one so Sadie has been begging for one for about six months now.  She was thrilled to find that her amazing parents had purchased one for her.

She exclaimed that it was indeed the best birthday present ever.  It's hard to give that statement much credibility though, since she says that every year.  :)  She was so excited about eating her high heels and blowing out candles.

Seriously!  Have you ever seen so much excitement?  She exclaimed that the cupcakes were yummy and she also said that if they were "high heels for reals"  she would "totally wear them".  I'll take that as a compliment coming from If The Shoe Fits, Wear It Queen Of Everything!

All teasing aside, we do adore this little so much.  She is such a sweetheart.  She loves her family and is so kind to others.  She is so excited to be getting bigger.  Jared used to hold her when she was tiny and tell her to never grow up.  Now that she's getting bigger, when he tucks her in at night, he will often say, "You were going to stay my little Sadie, but you just keep getting bigger and bigger."  Recently she answered back, "Don't worry, Daddy.  Even if I'm bigger I'll still always love you and Mommy."  It made me tear up.  It's hard to see this little getting bigger.  She's my last one and I fear that time will continue to pass way too quickly and she'll be gone before I know it.  Thankfully, she'll always love us, though I doubt she'll ever understand how much we love her.

Independence Day

We were lucky enough to get to spend July 4 with the Allen family and Jared's brother Neil and his wife Becky and their kids.  We had such a blast!  We went to the parade, had our traditional water fight, ate too much food at our barbeque and then stayed up way too late watching fireworks.  All in all it was an awesome day!

Turning 12 Rocks!

July 3, little miss Abby turned 12.  Turning 12 is a big deal!  Among other things, she was so excited to say good bye to Primary and hello to Young Women's at our church.  She also was hoping to receive a cell phone.  In fact, she wanted one so badly that three weeks before her birthday she wrote Jared and I a persuasive essay trying to convince us of her "need."  She left if on my pillow when she went to bed.  We found it as we were going to bed that night.  Here's an excerpt from the essay.

"Why I want a cell phone is because I'm going into Jr. High.  I might need it to call, or text one of you that I need to stay after school.  Also since I'm getting older I'm going to get invited to more parties.  If I don't feel comfortable in the environment, I could call one of you to come pick me up.  I would also need a cell phone for babysitting, if the family I'm babysitting doesn't have a home phone I could call on my cell phone if I had any problems.  Now, one of my final reasons is just the plain fun, and texting of friends, and being able to talk to my friends more often."

This is just one of the paragraphs in the essay.  It was an entire page long, TYPED!  Jared and I were rolling on the bed laughing.  You have to give it to her, she really thought this through.  I mean, not everyone would think to throw in the whole party in a questionable environment issue.  The one thing she didn't take into account though was how protective this momma bear is.  Trust me, if she's going to a party, I know which kids will be there, which parents will be there and EXACTLY what's going to be happening and said party or else she ain't goin!  That said, the funniest part about the whole essay is that Jared and I had already decided to get her a phone for her birthday, she just didn't know it!  The next morning she asked us if we found the essay and if we were convinced.  Jared said, "Abby, if I were an English teacher I would give you an A for that paper."  Her reply?  "Really!  So as my dad what did you think of it?"  He just shrugged his shoulders and made a very non-committal groan.  I was laughing so hard.

Needless to say, she was thrilled to get her phone and become a phone carrying, text sending 12 year old kid.  She has been given a cell phone contract, compliments of her parents, that she had to sign and has to follow or I get to take the phone back.  I've been assured that she's fine with the contract...we'll see how long that lasts.

Check out the smile on this kid.  Isn't it gorgeous!  I think that there are many things that define us as individuals.  One thing that absolutely defines Abby is her smile.  She always has a big smile on her face that makes everyone happy.  On Sunday when she was called up to the stand for her advancement into the Young Women's organization she was grinning from ear to ear.  I heard a gentlemen who was sitting behind us and visiting the ward say to his wife, "Wow! Look at the smile on her cute face.  She is darling."  Of course, I was very proud.  She is always so willing to help out and to make someone else happy.  She loves her family and the church.  She bops around the house singing and smiling and bringing joy to all of us.  We love you Abs and we hope you will always remember who you are and keep bringing that happy spirit to all who know you!

Family Slip-n-Slide

Saturday, June 29, we spent the morning getting all the yard work done.  It was an incredibly stifling day as the temperatures soared above 100 degrees.  Jared and I decided it was time to beat the heat with our littles.  What better way to do that than to have slip-n-slide races.  We set up two pieces of industrial strength plastic sheeting side by side and that's when the fun began.

Truthfully, it was hysterical.  I don't know when Jared and I have laughed so hard.  We all had such a fabulous time!