I was struck by the sadness of this situation. How unfortunate it is that we live in a world where my 14 year old daughter can't go hang out with her friends without the worries of the world encroaching. Then I remembered something I heard Elder Holland once say, "The future of this world has long been declared; the final outcome between good and evil is already known. There is absolutely no question as to who wins because the victory has already been posted on the scoreboard. The only really strange thing in all of this is that we are still down here on the field trying to decide which teams jersey we want to wear." I think that was meant to inspire faith in all of us. I know Elder Holland's statement to be true. Still, I wonder, and ponder and let's be honest, I'm a mom, I worry. What if she doesn't choose the right jersey?
Which brings me to the thoughts that have been consuming me for the past few days. Jared and I have been reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma, specifically chapter 32. I know about faith and the tiny seed and things I can do to help my faith continue to grow. I know that good things and "light" things will help my seed of faith continue to grow strong. I also know that fear is the opposite of faith.
Knowing these things led me to wonder. Is worry the same as fear? If I worry about my children, do I lack faith in Heavenly Father's promises to me? At what point is my worry going too far? When my children were all smaller my worries involved things like choking on something or getting lost at the store or whether or not they were sick enough to take to the doctor. Now, I'm moving into a new realm. I have older children. They leave me everyday to go to school and other activities. I can no longer control all of the things of this world that influence them. On top of it all, these children have the nerve to come with their own personalities and distinct opinions, none of which are like their siblings! :)
I know without a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father loves me, Jared and our children. I know that He only wants what is best for all of us. I also know that when we met in the grand council in heaven that nothing was more important to Heavenly Father for His children than for us all to have agency. It was so important to him that we have this agency that He was willing to lose 1/3 of his children for it. As a mother, I can think of nothing more heartbreaking than losing a child, but to lose 1/3 of them is unfathomable. I realize I have no idea the scope of Heavenly Father's sacrifice, but I know I would be forever changed and would lose a part of myself if I lost a child.
Still, with this agency comes the awesome blessing and, quite frankly, responsibility of choice. We believe that age 8 a child is accountable for their choices. I try to teach my children that they are able to make all the choices they want, but they can't choose their consequences. Therefore, it's so important to make good choices so that your consequences are equally good. Someone in the General Primary Presidency said once that if we don't teach our children to follow Christ the world will teach them not to. I don't know about you, but I don't want the world determining what my children know.
So, we teach them. We provide opportunities for them to see the good in the world and we shelter them from the bad as much as possible. We have rules and guidelines and we expect them to be followed. According to some people that we know, we are "mean" parents. That's okay, I'm secure with being a "mean" parent. I hope that means I'm doing my job. But, it's still no guarantee that it will be enough, right? So, that's where my worry and fear comes in.
When Abby went to her first day of 7th grade she was terrified. Our school lets the 7th graders go on the first day alone to get the layout and the schedule all figured out before the other kids are there. So, on her first day as I pulled up to the school she looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm really scared. Will you say a prayer with me?" I was already worried (shocking, I know) about her anyway and this request about pushed me to take her home and tell her she never had to go to that yucky junior high. Somehow I was able to say a prayer with her and she got out of the car and walked in. I watched her walk in while I cried in my car wishing so much that I could hold her hand as she went through the two hour day she had ahead of her. I cried the whole way home. I think I called Jared at work at least three times in two hours asking him if he thought she was okay. I might have cried off and on for two hours as well though I'll neither confirm or deny that fact. I remember wondering if Heavenly Father felt similarly when watching his children go through difficult times.
I spend a lot of my time hoping that my kids are learning anything when we read scriptures, that they're not asleep during family prayer, that they know deep down that we love them and that their Heavenly Father loves them. I pray when I drop them off at school each morning that they'll remember who they are and that they'll stand up for what is right and good, even if they have to do it quietly, all by themselves. I pray they'll find success and feel good about their accomplishments and be kind to themselves through their failures. I pray that Heavenly Father will watch over them and protect them. I pray that Jared and I will be able to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost and be able to be watchmen on the tower to protect them and teach them what is right. And in the end, I pray that it will have been enough. I pray that they will have a desire to have a personal relationship with their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
In the end, I know it will be up to my kidlets which path they choose. I will always love them, no matter what they choose. However, I know they will be happier if they choose the right. That's where my faith comes in. I will do everything within my power to teach them while they are with me. Then, I'm going to trust Heavenly Father to take care of the rest. Will I ever stop worrying about them? Probably not, I think that's just part of being the mom.
